Questions

This post is pretty different from those that precede it.  This wasn’t inspired by a certain passage of scripture, but from constant questions that have been flooding my mind.  I don’t mean for this to discourage or to cause doubt.  I just need to get this all sorted out in my own mind.  I am merely questioning, not doubting.  I know and firmly believe that there are answers to these questions, I just don’t understand it yet.  I guess this is my inner theological side coming out.

I know the question is vague and not very original, but lately I’ve been wondering why.  Why does life and eternity need to be the way that it is?  Why is my eternal bliss justification for another man’s eternal torment?  Why would you begin something that would result in not only perfection and love, but imperfection and separation?  Why is Heaven worth Hell?

For a while I’d forced myself to be content with the answer that it was simply all worth it, and that it was just beyond my understanding.  That eternal damnation for some was just collateral damage so the rest of creation could glorify God.  This could still be the right answer, but it just hasn’t been cutting it for me recently.

Five days ago I randomly remembered a short story I read in Mr. Fasciglione’s AP Lit class my junior year of High School.  It was the story of a Utopia, a perfect society almost beyond our understanding, Omelas.  The only catch to this perfection was the torture, torment, and agony of one child.  Without this wretched child perfection couldn’t exist.  This week I finally realized that Omelas was Heaven.

We could never appreciate or understand light without the darkness.  Without wet, we wouldn’t have dry.  Batman cannot exist without the Joker.  We would never thirst if we were unaware of drinking.  You could never be bored if you were never entertained.  The warmth of a blanket would mean nothing without the bitter chill of a December wind.  The necessity of an opposite has always intrigued me.  You can’t have or understand something without having something else to compare or contrast it to.  You can’t have Heaven without Hell.

This revelation brought me back to basically the same answer I had before, just with more understanding.  Our love and communion with God is so important to Him and to the display of His glory that we needed to be created.  In order for our love and affection toward Him to be pure and genuine, it needed to result from free will.  In order for there to be that choice, there must be an opposite to choose.  Since God is all things, and nothing existed before or outside of Him, this choice must come from within Him.  Sin is merely a perversion to the attributes of God.  Righteous anger, hate, jealousy, love, and all other things were twisted and their meanings distorted with selfishness.  This creation of sin occurred only so we could fully understand the perfection that is God.  We must then choose between this original righteousness and this distorted unrighteousness, and in doing so either Love in the way that it was all created for or reject this purity that God requires.

We are the gray in the equation, with the choice between the pure light of God and the darkness of the adversary (I’m not even going to get into the issue I’m having in understanding how God existed before Satan.  I think the fact that it is all a perversion of what always was is the only way that this idea could work…).  Unlike the basic principles that all have an opposite, we are caught in the middle.  We are damp with the option of drying out or soaking ourselves.  We are a thermostat sitting at 68 degrees, either to be cranked up to an inferno or dropped down to absolute zero.  We are given the choice to be either the dusk or the dawn.  It is this duality of man that makes our Love a genuine love.

So I have officially ranted for 686 words and haven’t gotten too far.  I’m sure this wasn’t beneficial to anyone else reading this (all two of you, if I’m lucky), but it has helped me a ton.  I still have a lot of things running through my mind, I just can’t bring myself to type it all out now.  My mind is fried and I haven’t even scratched the surface.

I hate getting caught up in things like this.  God, give me the wisdom and understanding I need in order to know you more, but keep me from the futility of my own mind. Let my relationship with you be deep yet simple…

 

James 1:21-27

Get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it–he will be blessed in what he does. If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

 

Pure and Faultless

With everything rushing around me these past few weeks, my priorities have been skewed.  My mind, heart, and actions haven’t been grounded where they need to be.  My battle with this “church instilled pride” has reared its ugly head once more.  My greatest struggle is not that I merely listen to the Word and don’t act upon it (though that is absolutely a struggle I seem to face all too often); the issue for me comes with acting on the Word in a selfish manner.  My problem isn’t forgetting what I look like in the mirror.  Wait, strike that, that is my problem.  Forgetting what I truly look like and seeing myself in a false light is what I constantly find myself doing.  I go through my day remembering all too clearly those instances in which I did act upon the Word,  and I build myself this “Holy pedestal” to set myself high above those around me.  And on top of all this, I can even build myself up higher by finding pride in my own acts of humility…

Following through with the Word means nothing from a high and lofty heart, and I feel that this is why James stated that we must “humbly accept the Word planted in us” before he even told us to act upon that same word.  I must tear down my pedestal and hide beneath the pieces.  I must take these actions of humility and turn them into a humble heart.  I must genuinely lower myself, and in doing so raise up my God, my Savior, and those around me.  I must look intently into the perfect Law that gives freedom and see that I am unworthy of it.  I must shatter my distorted mirror, and constantly envision what I truly am.

This realization is a harsh one to face, but it brings about fresh clarity, understanding, and even blessing.  I find that in all this, I am being drawn closer to the “religion” that God accepts.  This pure and faultless religion.  All other ideas are worthless and deceitful, but by looking after those in need and keeping myself from the pollution of the World I will find the true Worth.  If I allow this work to continue within me, my pride and my faults will be washed away, and my actions will no longer be for my own glory.  I now strive to humbly accept the Word within me, act upon that Word, look intently into that same Word, keep myself pure from everything outside of the Word, let that Word work through me to those in need, and finally I must receive no glory for any of it.

How could I ever be so bold as to think I even deserve that glory.  It is only by Christ that I can do that whole list of things.  I am ashamed of these selfish lusts of my flesh, but it is with great joy that I can shed that flesh and put it to death… I just need to stop bringing it back to life.

 

Zephaniah 3:14-17

Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away your punishment, he has turned back your enemy. The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. On that day they will say to Jerusalem, “Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

 

How Can I Express???? (cont.)

Wow…. How could there be anything more amazing than this; yet one more sister in Christ. There just seems to be no end to this indescribable plan and amazing grace. Now that I think of it, there is no end. Even better. I’m still so psyched about it all. This stupid grin just can’t be wiped from my face. Our God is mighty to save!

 

How Can I Express????

Words can’t even come close… There is no way to fully convey what is going through my heart and mind at this moment. Utter disbelief, amazement, joy, hope, excitement, peace, confusion, understanding, love; this just scratches the surface of what is pulsing through my being. It is all so beautiful, and I can’t really make sense of it at all, but it fits together so perfectly.

Seeing the radical realization of a brother’s eternity can do nothing but stir you. Seeing a new sister’s heart break and pour out brings such hope. Being handed the opportunities to minister and worship in the way that I have is nothing short of incredible. God is moving within our hearts just as He is moving through them. I can do nothing short of screaming praise for the new lives of Matt and Emily, or for the places and opportunities to which God is pulling us.

But how could I feel any other way?? God has been moving so evidently in these past few days, but was He not doing so beforehand? Why does it take so much to make me move? Why does it fade? Why can’t I, or more accurately, why don’t I hold on? These questions are what will be consuming my nights, but with all that I have, I strive to not let go; to push on; to let nothing hold me captive except for the Love of Christ.

If the Father of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is with me, how much more should I long to be with Him? If the One who measures the waters in the hollow of His hand and marks off the heavens with the breadth of that same hand takes delight in me, how much more should I take delight in Him? If the One who was pierced for my transgressions and crushed for my sins will quiet me with His love, how much greater should my love for Him be? If God is rejoicing over me with singing, how loud and unceasing should my praises be?

 

Psalm 113

Praise ye the LORD. Praise, O ye servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD. Blessed be the name of the LORD from this time forth and for evermore. From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same the LORD’S name is to be praised. The LORD is high above all nations, and his glory above the heavens. Who is like unto the LORD our God, who dwelleth on high, Who humbleth himself to behold the things that are in heaven, and in the earth! He raiseth up the poor out of the dust, and lifteth the needy out of the dunghill; That he may set him with princes, even with the princes of his people. He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.

 

life so far…

Thoughts and memories have come crashing through my mind these past few weeks, and I can do nothing but praise my Maker and Creator. From upstate NY, Kenya, Pinnacle, and now the South; I’ve seen, experienced, and done more than I’d ever imagined. I look back to these sights, smells, and events, and all I can do is smile. I think of the growth I’ve seen, and the ministry I’ve been allowed to pursue. But looking back is only productive for so long, and I now turn my attention to the present and the things to come. I never imagined sitting in Charleston, SC with a group of musicians, preparing for a weekend of ministry. I seem to be placed in the most amazing situations that I never could have envisioned on my own. I’ve come to throw away all expectations, and walk blindly into the path lit ever so dimly by the God of the Universe. I have never felt so free, and have never been so excited for what is to come.